Green Around The Ears
by Red Nix
Summary: Sakura and Sasuke plays Jake Muller's campaign in Resident Evil 6. Hilarity ensues. Rated T for swear words.


"Stop getting killed every five minutes, Sakura."

"I will once you stop leaving me and start helping me while I'm incapacitated! Seriously Sasuke, why are we even playing co-op? You need to fucking go back to grade school and learn some cooperative skills. You do NOT farm for ammos and skill points while your partner is being devoured by these masked assholes."

Sasuke scoffed, hitting the "pause" button while turning his head towards Sakura. "Not my fault that you have absolutely zero map awareness. And for the record, these masked J'avos are NOT devouring you, Sakura, they're _shooting_ you. Get your facts straight."

Sakura stood up from the couch, her nose flaring in anger. "I do NOT have map awareness?! We were supposed to go straight to the green door _decades_ ago, but here you are going around in circles and picking up shit we don't even need!"

"Sakura, _sweetheart_," he said patiently, sighing softly before speaking again, "opening that door will trigger Ustanak. We don't want that while we're low on health, do we?"

Sakura's lips curled in annoyance, her arms crossing above her chest, "Fine," she huffed, picking up the controller, "let's do this again. Only this time, you are not allowed to farm for points. You can always do that in Mercenaries."

"But—"

"My Xbox, my rules."

"Fine."

The room was filled with the sound of bullets and carnage and occasional swearing in a few seconds, with sighs of relief once in a while. Silence engulfed the room when a long cutscene was shown in the screen after the two finished what seemed like the fourth chapter of the game.

"_If Leon was right about Simmons, I want you to run."_

"_Heh."_

"_No matter what happens. Promise me."_

"…_Fine."_

Sasuke almost jumped out of his skin when Sakura squealed, her hands clutching the controller on her chest and her eyes glinting with tears. "NO, NO, NO, JAKE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STAY WITH SHERRY UNTIL THE END AND THEN YOU SHOULD MAKE LITTLE WESKER BABIES WHILE YOU'RE AT IT."

"…The hell?"

She threw him a withering glance. "What?! I SWEAR THEY'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I MEAN COME ON. SHAME ON YOU. Wesker's bastard child and Birkin's daughter, HOW PERFECT IS THAT."

"…What."

"Sasu-cakes, HOW COULD YOU. This is perfect. Their dads must be rolling in their graves right now."

"But—"

"HUSH, NO BUTS, DARLING. They are perfect. They are made to produce beautiful Wesker babies."

"Saku, _darling, _they'll probably produce mutated freaks with regenerating body parts and red eyes that glow in the dark—"

He was cut off when she let out another ear-piercing squeal. "Oh my god. OH MY GOD. HE LIED. HE FUCKING LIED. HE'S GOING TO STAY WITH HER 'TIL THE END. I fucking knew it. I fucking—"

Someone dragged Sherry away from Jake, and suddenly she was screaming his name helplessly. Jake tore the J'avos one by one, his desperation growing every second. Finally, all hope was lost when Jake was finally fully incapacitated. His hands tried to reach out to Sherry, to no avail.

Sasuke panicked when Sakura sobbed loudly, hot tears streaming down her cheeks. He hated it when she cries; he swore it's one of the most awful sights in his life. He shortly contemplated on what to do to make her stop.

"DID I DO ANYTHING WRONG?! DID I PRESS THE WRONG BUTTON?! OH MY GOD, what if there are multiple endings and we happened to take to wrong path that lead to the bad ending? I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE ENTERED THIS BUILDING." She gasped and wailed louder. "OH MY GOD, WHAT IF THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE YOU FARMED A LOT. I KNEW IT. I fucking knew it. I KNEW THAT WAS A WRONG IDEA, YOU—"

"They'll escape. They'll kill Ustanak while sharing a sickeningly romantic moment, the redhead dude will say something cheesy, they'll get each other's number and then they'll part ways, but they'll keep in touch."

Sakura suddenly stopped wailing. He would have sighed with relief if she didn't startto look at him with blank eyes, her mouth agape. It unnerved him by the minute, so he decided to break the silence.

"What?"

"YOU SPOILED THE ENDING. OH MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT TO ME. HOW COULD YOU? SOMETIMES I THINK YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!"

He sighed with defeat as she threw pillows on his face. He was just trying to comfort her, and what did he get in return?

_Women._


End file.
